My wife and I have been married for a three years. We have been together for six years. She has two young children from a previous marriage. Ages 7 and 12. The kids get on my nerves a lot, but I do love them. My wife and I have had a lot of issues over the past year. The problems caused by me and include: talking with other women online behind her back which include a woman who my wife had a threesome with at a party and emailing an ex-fiancee, smoking marijuana, and talking about moving to Florida even after she had told me she would never leave our home because her family lives here.
I believe my desire to move to Florida is the biggest issue currently. Right now I own a home in the Midwest (mortgage is under my name only) where we get 70+ inches of snow every year. I have recently been offered a job in Tampa which is where I have always wanted to live. The job pays 9K more than I make right now. I do like my present job (in the same field) but the job in Florida appears to offer more challenging work which would boost my career. I have been vacationing in Florida for years and I have a brother who lives there. When I was drunk recently I told my wife that I was moving to Tampa and I wanted her and the kids to come too. She got very angry and told me to go. She said she wasn’t moving because her family is here and she doesn’t want to leave them. That is the first big issue that has occured recently. The second thing I did to hurt our marriage further was to begin smoking a “legal” pot that is sold at head shops. I smoked some last week and became so high I couldn’t even stand up. My wife knew something was wrong with me so I told her what I did. She then kicked me out of the house. After a week of living apart she has agreed to give me one last chance. We have been going to marriage counseling together (twice) and I have been attending NA meetings.
My question is this. Should I stay here in the Midwest and try to make my marriage work or should I move to Tampa? The marriage counseling seems to be helping me more than my wife. She feels that the counselor is on my side and making excuses for my bad behaviors. She has said that I should go by myself and there is no reason for her to go there. She did however say that she will continue going. She also says that I open up to the counselor and people at NA meetings, but I don’t talk to her. Lately I have been trying to be more open and honest with her. The problem is though that the more I tell her the more mad she gets and the less she trusts me when I tell her about things I have done in the past. For the past week I have been a good guy with no drugs, lying etc. As I said I am trying now, but it may be too late.
I have reservations about leaving. They include: losing a wife I love, losing the only kids I have ever known as my own, having to most likely foreclose on my house, possibly taking a job that appears better but in reality is not. My desire to leave comes from the beliefs that: my marriage may be too far eroded to save, I hate the gloomy Winters here, more opportunity in the new job. Please provide any advice that may be helpful. Thanks.
Florida does not want you.
One thing i will say is that a marriage really is a team and if both members of the team are not on board with something than it should not take place.
If she loves you she would go with you.
I think you should go and start over. You obviously have good reason to be unhappy with your wife. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. The kids are not your responsibility, as much as its admirable you care fro them and worry about them. You only have one life, you need to try and find happiness.
Ask your wife to consider going to Tampa with you to look at places to live, schools for the kids, with the idea that the two of you can reasonably consider this option and make a decision at that point. If it doesn’t work and she still won’t go and you still want to go, then at least you’ve given it a try.
And lay off the drink and pot. Stop telling your wife hurtful things in that mean spirited “honest” people pull out from time to time. Put some effort into this. If it doesn’t work out in the end that the marriage can be saved, you’ll know you gave it a good try.
I think you should just do whatever you want.
This marriage isn’t going to last no matter what you do ~ drugs, alcohol, threesomes, blended family, angry wife, no trust… There’s just too many things stacked against you
sounds to me like you are crying out for attention from your wife and she is just shooting you down… she needs to realize that you are also her family and that if you are the bread winner in the family that a move is in order… doesn’t sound to me like she is there for a team effort and that you need to talk more about this… I wouldn’t suggest the continuation of the smoking to the point of not even being able to stand… if you can’t talk to her about how you feel then I’m not sure the counseling will even work!
You two need more counseling before you can make life changing decisions.
dump her ,,,go where it is warm,,,put her out on the street with her two kids and never look back
Find a better counselor that doesn’t take sides. You know your behavior is inexcusable, and your counselor finds ways to excuse it. Even if the counselor does not really do that, your wife *believes* they do, which is counterproductive to the whole process.
Keep with the meetings and stay off the drugs.
Quit contacting any and all exes or potentials–forever as long as you are married. This action will show her you are serious about the marriage.
Your behavior has only been good for ONE week. You will have to stick with it and make the good behavior a habit for a LONG time, if she’s willing to allow you to try repairing the marriage from your end.
It is not fair to ask her to leave because you do not like the weather in your area. Her whole life is there. The new job may just cancel out the higher cost of living in Tampa. It may not be any better financially there than you have it now.
If she boots you out AND definitely wants a divorce and nothing keeps you from leaving, then leave. Do NOT get her pregnant, the timing sounds very bad for that.
Finally, foreclosure just doesn’t look good on your credit, regardless of what you do.
Hang in there and good luck!
Then leave, your heart isn’t there so stop breaking hers.
It sounds like you’ve been pretty honest in this post you’ve given except for the “legal” pot part. You would not be able to buy it unless you had a medical condition that required it and was supported by your doctor. If you really don’t want to lose this wife you love and these children you’ve been parenting then you need to put your winter blues aside and focus on your family. I too hate the winter and I would recommend you take extra vitamin D to help you through that.
Honestly, I think you should stay in the Midwest, work on your marriage with your wife and the counselor–it is going to get uglier before it gets better from what you have said, but it will get better if you hang in there. 2 times to marriage counseling is not a good measure of how things will go.
I don’t know if the job will still be there later, but there are other jobs. You ought to check out the cost of living, the commute to the job, and real estate before you go. Can you sell your house in the current market? Can you rent it for more than the mortgage?
With all the problems your marriage is having, your wife can see that she won’t have a support system in Florida, and getting back to the Midwest when the marriage dissolves in Florida will be a problem for her, and she figures she might as well stay put where she has roots. Plus her kids are old enough to want to stay with their friends. A good breaking point might be when the older one is ready for high school.
Fix the marriage, and she will go to Florida, especially if you 3–you, wife and counselor–come up with an agreement of terms. Example: She will give Florida a try, you don’t sell the Midwest house, and she can return to it if it doesn’t work out, money in an account for move back, etc. Not saying those are the terms, just an example. She also has to look out for the welfare of those kids, that
aren’t yours, but don’t deserve to be pulled allover the country either.
So you think the grass is greener on the other side…. man wake up and smell the coffee!!!!!!
First of all you have brought most of this on yourself. If you need a break, take a short road trip for a week and come back home.
Now you said you loved her and the kids, I find that hard to believe.
No man in love wants or needs to converse with an ex and someone on line behind their woman’s back. You are a louse for doing it, and you know it, as well as doing drugs, legal or not, it is still drugs.
You are looking for a quick fix and it is not going to happen…
it doesn’t’ matter who says what or if the counselor seems to be favouring one over the other, the important thing is you are learning how to talk about your feelings and she is as well. it might not be the time yet when you can be honest totally with one another. Nothing can be untangled over night, when it has built up over time…
You have to decide if this is the relationship you want or not.
if it is, you have better clean up your act now.
This is not about the snow or gloomy winters man, this about you and you alone.
You had better come to terms with what you want in life and go in that direction.
It seems like you were doing everything to ruin this relationship……
If you don’t want it, be man enough to say so and do what needs to be done..